lost.
“just because i’m losing, doesn’t mean i’m lost. doesn’t mean i’ll stop. doesn’t mean i will cross. just because i’m hurting, doesn’t mean i’m hurt. doesn’t mean i didn’t get what i deserved; no better and no worse. i just got lost. every river that i tried to cross, every door i ever tried was locked. oh, and i’m just waiting until the shine wears off.”
reasons i haven’t been writing:
school. i am so behind on school. volunteering for sxsw completely put me behind, and i don’t know if i am ever going to catch up. i’m almost tempted to just cut my losses and drop the class. i have five papers to write, and in one week, i only completed one. and the assignments keep coming and coming. i want to start working on an actual degree right about now, to change my career path, but i am losing my motivation, and fast.
work. i love my job, no doubt. and i love my co-workers, and me being behind in school is my fault, etc. but it has been rough this past week, because it was really busy. i was definitely pleased with what i learned, the three days i just got off, and i will be pleased with the extra pay too. just a tense week.
social life. it has kind of gone by the wayside. with everything going on, i just haven’t had time for it, and it makes me a little sad. i don’t know if i should be too busy for other people, or if it’s more normal to have a healthy social life. i feel like one is probably cooler than the other, but the less cool one suits me better. i don’t know. i have people, and i miss them. i don’t like feeling like there’s always a deadline, always. i have been trying to make friends with my other roommate, but he’s sarcastic and sometimes it can be hard if i’m being joked with or made fun of buttttttttt… i guess there’s not much to do about that, except try not to let it make me feel frowny.
money. money has been an issue for me for a long time, and i have a feeling that isn’t changing anytime soon. the shopping season is coming quickly, so i am trying to ease my mind about it, but since i pay for my own school, it is kind of hard. i don’t get financial aide either. i don’t want to be a money-obsessed person either, but it doesn’t really seem like i have a choice if i want to survive.
stressing about my dog. i am so worried about my boy :( . i want him to survive, of course. but is it worth it if he is miserable? no. so i want these feeding tricks to work. i want to see some fat on his bones. i want the whites of his eyes to be white again. but if he is miserable, i want to set him free. it is torture to even think of the possibility that he might be suffering, that we might be prolonging it. and it nags at me every day. i have to stop a few times a day just to pull myself back together thinking about it because i feel at least somewhat responsible. of all the reasons i haven’t written, this is the worst to me.
sxsw. anthony and i volunteered, and it was a lot of fun! you can actually read his thorough account @ http://www.xebix.com. but it also contributed to my problem of not enough sleep and too many tasks. it definitely put my life on hold.
and a lot of other crap. it really is just the feeling of being tugged in too many directions, but in general, not so much just one particular thing. but there has been some good, i must say. i finally found out my tax return money comes in soon. anthony and i have had a lot of fun nights out. he bought me a phone, which i will of course pay him back for, but i freaking love the phone. and best of all, he and i just toasted our pancake-and-sausage on a stick things that we are now allowed to eat, because it is past midnight. anyway, i guess i just wanted to air grievances and hope for resolutions. tonight has been a really good night; so goodnight to all.
