the district sleeps alone tonight.
“and i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving.” i don’t like bugs. i like my painted fingernails. this clASS/ASSignment is a pain in the… ASS. i think i had an epiphany this past week or so. i’m not altogether convinced it’s a great thing, but i can’t talk about it right now. i still have four stages of my agenda on teenage pregnancy to complete, which is at least seven pages. brb. i promise.
this blog has been on a reeeeally long hiatus: 6/24/09.
i loved river day, but my skin is peeling like crazy. i feel gross that people can see it, but, i guess that’s just summer. i feel like my life has exploded in the past week. my sister is moving away. my parents get closer and closer to losing the house every day. my life personally is moving at warp speed, and i have no idea how to take care of everyone else and also survive on my own. two high salaries couldn’t solve all of our problems, so i’m completely useless with my entry-level part-time wages, and no way does anyone let me forget it. and in the face of all that, the boy and i are done. he is admittedly nothing shot of extraordinary to me, but the way he spoke to me is far too abrasive and out of character… a final ‘fuck you,’ if you will. i can’t be around someone who talks down to me again, no matter what the reason. it doesn’t seem like him at all to me, the things he said, but… i don’t think i can make excuses for him this time.
so what’s wiser? to ignore your fears and run to the top of the cliff, or just be content knowing you’re afraid and passing up the experience? because that’s what this comes down to. this is the epiphany i was on the verge of having, because there’s some sort of sick attraction to the rush it gave me to be so close to completely giving in with him, but i don’t want to get hurt again, at the same time. if i would have let myself, i could have fallen easily. i could be in a much worse state right now. and i wanted to say this to him, but i don’t know that it would have mattered. i don’t know if he would have appreciated the guts it took to be genuine and human in front of him, even though it might be one of the single most terrifying things i could have done. he might like me if he knew me, but he doesn’t, because it didn’t last long enough. and i don’t totally blame him for that, but… what’s better? taking the risk and being a total mess to avoid missing out on something, or giving up the opportunity to be around someone who completely fascinates you just because you’re afraid?
it’s this feeling that makes me hope that in time, there’s redemption for the messy ones. because now that i know how i feel, i could do it. i could say it, and we could get to know eachother the way we would have in the first place if we weren’t both damage cases (friends or otherwise). so i’m almost grateful he hates me right now, because it gives me the distance i guess i need for a while, but please, please tell me he doesn’t have to hate me forever. there’s more i could say, because i don’t know if there are ever enough words to properly explain an emotion, but my computer time is running out, so you and i are both spared the trouble of me talking to much. it’s all nutshells today. tell me something good.
there’s a possibility of drunkenness to take the edge off of my next speech. i’ll let you know how that goes. there is also this cute-ish guy at the library, but he may be gay. i kind of hope not though, because then my sneaking glances is in vain. we’ll see about that too.
